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How about some short jokes??

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How about some short jokes??

Post  Guest on Thu Apr 14, 2011 11:52 pm

I was at an ATM when an old lady came up and asked me to check her balance. So I pushed her over.

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Re: How about some short jokes??

Post  Guest on Fri Apr 15, 2011 12:25 am

hahaha!

i was at an atm the other day trying to draw money. i think our country is going through a crisis because it kept saying "Insufficient funds available" scratch

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Re: How about some short jokes??

Post  AndrewH on Fri Apr 15, 2011 12:30 am

What do you call a deer with no eyes ?
I have no I-Deer

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Re: How about some short jokes??

Post  AndrewH on Fri Apr 15, 2011 12:42 am

Hi guys I know it is not so short
But I laughed

A young blonde was on vacation in the depths of Louisiana. She wanted a pair of genuine alligator shoes in the worst way, but was very reluctant to pay the high prices the local vendors were asking.

After becoming very frustrated with the "no haggle" attitude of one of the shopkeepers, the blonde shouted, "Maybe I'll just go out and catch my own alligator so I can get a pair of shoes at a reasonable price!"

The shopkeeper said, "By all means, be my guest. Maybe you'll luck out and catch yourself a big one!"

Determined, the blonde turned and headed for the swamps, set on catching herself an alligator.

Later in the day, the shopkeeper is driving home when he spots the young woman standing waist deep in the water, shotgun in hand.

Just then, he sees a huge 9 foot alligator swimming quickly toward her.

She takes aim, kills the creature and with a great deal of effort hauls it on to the swamp bank. Laying nearby were several more of the dead creatures.

The shopkeeper watches in amazement. Just then the blonde flips the alligator on it's back, and frustrated, shouts out, "This one isn't wearing any shoes either!"

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Re: How about some short jokes??

Post  Guest on Fri Apr 15, 2011 1:01 am

A couple drove several miles down a country road, not saying a word. An earlier discussion had led to an argument, and neither wanted to concede their position. As they passed a barnyard of mules and pigs, the wife sarcastically asked, "relatives of yours?" "Yep" the husband replied "In-laws."

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Re: How about some short jokes??

Post  Guest on Fri Apr 15, 2011 1:57 am

Do'nt worry guys, my joke is really short.



AndrewH.

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Re: How about some short jokes??

Post  Guest on Fri Apr 15, 2011 3:04 am

flip that was low! hahahahaha i need to consult but that might be a warning!! . lol! lol! just kidding.


eisch sundays racing is gonna be fun to watch. particularly the mini A final! Raider you are putting heat under your own collar!

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Re: How about some short jokes??

Post  Guest on Fri Apr 15, 2011 3:22 am

thats how Raider roles, excuse the punt!

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Re: How about some short jokes??

Post  Guest on Sat Apr 16, 2011 12:20 am

Ray wrote:thats how Raider roles, excuse the punt!

HA HA Very Happy Very Happy

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THE JOKE WON'T BE THE SAME WITHOUT THE BAD LANGUAGE

Post  Guest on Fri Apr 29, 2011 12:18 am

Leeu slaat vir hiëna m@#rtoe.

Bobbejaan sit bo in die boom en toekyk.

Na die fight vra hiëna verontwaardig:

"Fiekkit, hoekom help jy my nie, ek's nou amper doodgebliksem!"

Bobbejaan: "F@k, jy giggel so... ek dog jy wen..."


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Re: How about some short jokes??

Post  AndrewH on Wed May 11, 2011 1:26 pm

Guy breaks down in his Datsun bakkie out in Brakpan.  A Subaru pulls up next to him :'Ek sê, come I'll sommer tow you with my Subaru, but if I drive too fast, flash your lights and hoot so that I can slow down!'

Off they go... Pull up to a robot, Ferrari pulls up next to the Subaru, tunes ' Wanna dice ek sê?' Revving engines, robot goes green, and they haul it down the road.

Dude standing on the side of the road sees them tearing past, neck in neck.
Phones his tjommie 'Ai boet, I've got a story to tell you, I just saw a Subaru and Ferrari dicing, neck in neck ek sê, like 300km/h'

Tjommie - 'Pretty hip ey?'
Dude says to him ' That aint the story, there's a Datsun bakkie right behind them, flashing and hooting, and he is wanting to overtake. Haha

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Re: How about some short jokes??

Post  Guest on Wed May 11, 2011 9:42 pm

There's two muffins in the oven.

One says "Man! Its burning up in here!"

The other one says "Hey look! A talking Muffin!!!"

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Re: How about some short jokes??

Post  Guest on Thu May 26, 2011 11:11 pm

This is a story which is perfectly logical to all males: A wife asks her husband "Could you please go shopping for me and buy one carton of milk, and if they have eggs, get 6." A short time later the husband comes back with 6 cartons of milk. The wife asks him "Why did you buy 6 cartons of milk?" He replied "They had eggs."

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Re: How about some short jokes??

Post  the DJ on Fri May 27, 2011 2:41 am

Husband and Wife agreed that when they need sex they will call it''PHONE CALL'' -One day the Husband asked his son to tell his mom he wants to make a phone call *Wife: Tell your dad there's no network.*Husband: Tell your mom since there is no network, I'll go to the public phones..*Wife: Tell your dad if he dares go to the public phone, I will open a call center here at home.

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Re: How about some short jokes??

Post  Guest on Sat Jun 04, 2011 1:08 am

What's worse than letting Michael Jackson Babysit your kids?
Letting the McCanns take them on Holiday

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Re: How about some short jokes??

Post  Tcab on Sat Jun 11, 2011 3:12 pm

NASA sent Malema and two apes into space. Everything went well at take off and they were off into the blue. After a while NASA contacted ape nr1 and told him to press the release button to let the boosters go. Immediately he did so and a short while later they called for ape nr2 to punch in the coordinates to steer the shuttle into its orbit. Immediately he did that and into their orbit they go. Malema got irritated when he heard nothing from them, so he jumped on the radio to NASA and asked them what he must do and which buttons to push. Their reply: " You touch nothing! All you need to do is feed the apes! Smile

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Re: How about some short jokes??

Post  the DJ on Sat Jun 11, 2011 11:44 pm

lol! lol! lol!

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Re: How about some short jokes??

Post  Bossman on Sun Jun 12, 2011 12:03 am

Team heine is getting there butts kicked today lol! lol!

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Re: How about some short jokes??

Post  Guest on Sun Jun 12, 2011 11:06 am

Bossman wrote:Team heine is getting there butts kicked today lol! lol!

lol! lol! MMMMMM lol! lol!

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Re: How about some short jokes??

Post  Bossman on Sun Jun 12, 2011 11:13 am

RAIDER wrote:
Bossman wrote:Team heine is getting there butts kicked today lol! lol!

lol! lol! MMMMMM lol! lol!
ja ja u did but but there is another season

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Re: How about some short jokes??

Post  the DJ on Tue Jun 14, 2011 12:32 am

Rugby Geniuses

Jono Gibbs, Chiefs
"Nobody in Rugby should be called a genius.. A genius is a guy like Norman Einstein."

Rodney So'ialo, Hurricanes, on University
"I'm going to graduate on time, no matter how long it takes."

Colin Cooper, Hurricanes head coach
"You guys line up alphabetically by height." And, "You guys pair up in groups of three, then line up in a circle."

Chris Masoe (Hurricanes) on whether he had visited the Pyramids during his visit to Egypt .
"I can't really remember the names of the clubs that we went to."

Colin Cooper on Paul Tito
"He's a guy who gets up at six o'clock in the morning regardless of what time it is."

Kevin Senio ( Auckland ), on Night Rugby vs Day Games
"It's basically the same, just darker."

David Nucifora ( Auckland ) talking about Troy Flavell
"I told him, 'Son, what is it with you.... Is it ignorance or apathy?' He said, 'David, I don't know and I don't care.'

David Holwell (Hurricanes) when asked about the upcoming season:
"I want to reach for 150 or 200 points this season, whichever comes first."

Ma'a Nonu
"Colin has done a bit of mental arithmetic with a calculator."

Phil Waugh
"We actually got the winning try three minutes from the end but then they scored."

Jerry Collins
"I've never had major knee surgery on any other part of my body."

Tony Brown
"That kick was absolutely unique, except for the one before it which was identical."

Tana Umaga
"I owe a lot to my parents, especially my mother and father."

Doc Mayhew
"Sure there have been injuries and deaths in rugby, but none of them serious."

Anton Oliver
"If history repeats itself, I should think we can expect the same thing again."

Ewan McKenzie
"I never comment on referees and I'm not going to break the habit of a lifetime for that prat."

Murray Mexted
(1) "Andy Ellis the 21 year old, who turned 22 a few weeks ago"
(2) "He scored that try after only 22 seconds - totally against the run of play."
(3) "I would not say he (Rico Gear) is the best left winger in the Super14, but there are none better."
(4) "Well, either side could win it, or it could be a draw."
(5) "Strangely, in slow motion replay, the ball seemed to hang in the air for even longer."

The best
Murray Deaker:
"Have you ever thought of writing your autobiography?"
Tana Umaga:
"On what?"


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Re: How about some short jokes??

Post  the DJ on Tue Jun 14, 2011 12:38 am

Man Kills Self Before Shooting Wife and Daughter
This one I caught in the SGV Tribune the other day and called the Editorial Room and asked who wrote this. It took two or three readings before the editor realized that what he was reading was impossible!!! They put in a correction the next day.







I just couldn't help but send this along. Too funny..
Something Went Wrong in Jet Crash, Expert Says




Police Begin Campaign to Run Down Jaywalkers
Now that's taking things a bit far!-----------------------------------------------------------

Panda Mating Fails; Veterinarian Takes Over




Miners Refuse to Work after Death
No-good-for-nothing' lazy so-and-so's!
------------------------------------------------------




Juvenile Court to Try Shooting Defendant
See if that works any better than a fair trial!
----------------------------------------------------------




War Dims Hope for Peace
I can see where it might have that effect!
----------------------------------------------------------------




If Strike Isn't Settled Quickly, It May Last Awhile
Ya think?!
-----------------------------------------------------------------------




Cold Wave Linked to Temperatures
Who would have thought!
----------------------------------------------------------------




Enfield ( London ) Couple Slain; Police Suspect Homicide
They may be on to something!
------------------------------------------------------------------------




Red Tape Holds Up New Bridges
You mean there's something stronger than duct tape?
----------------------------------------------------------




Man Struck By Lightning: Faces Battery Charge
He probably IS the battery charge!
----------------------------------------------




New Study of Obesity Looks for Larger Test Group
Weren't they fat enough?!
-----------------------------------------------




Astronaut Takes Blame for Gas in Spacecraft
That's what he gets for eating those beans!
---------------- ---------------------------------




Kids Make Nutritious Snacks
Do they taste like chicken?
****************************************




Local High School Dropouts Cut in Half
Chainsaw Massacre all over again!
***************************************************




Hospitals are Sued by 7 Foot Doctors
Boy, are they tall!
*******************************************




And the winner is......
Typhoon Rips Through Cemetery; Hundreds Dead

Did I read that right?
***************************************************

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Re: How about some short jokes??

Post  the DJ on Tue Jun 14, 2011 12:39 am

20 Hilarious School Exam Answers

Q. Name the four seasons
A. Salt, pepper, mustard and vinegar

Q. Explain one of the processes by which water can be made safe to drink
A. Flirtation makes water safe to drink because it removes large pollutants
like grit, sand, dead sheep and canoeists

Q. How is dew formed
A. The sun shines down on the leaves and makes them perspire

Q. What causes the tides in the oceans
A. The tides are a fight between the earth and the moon. All water tends to
flow towards the moon, because there is no water on the moon, and nature
abhors a vacuum. I forget where the sun joins the fight.

Q. What guarantees may a mortgage company insist on
A. If you are buying a house they will insist that you are well endowed

Q. In a democratic society, how important are elections
A. Very important. Sex can only happen when a male gets an election

Q. What are steroids
A. Things for keeping carpets still on the stairs

Q. What happens to a boy when he reaches puberty
A. He says goodbye to his boyhood and looks forward to his adultery

Q. What is artificial insemination
A. When the farmer does it to the bull instead of the cow

Q. How can you delay milk turning sour
A. Keep it in the cow

Q. How are the main 20 parts of the body categorised (e.g. The abdomen)
A. The body is consisted into 3 parts - the brainium, the borax and the
abdominal cavity. The brainium contains the brain, the borax contains the
heart and lungs and the abdominal cavity contains the five bowels: A, E, I,
O and U

Q. What is the fibula?
A. A small lie

Q. What is the most common form of birth control
A. Most people prevent contraception by wearing a condominium

Q. Give the meaning of the term 'Caesarean section'
A. The caesarean section is a district in Rome

Q. What is a seizure?
A. A Roman Emperor.

Q. What is a terminal illness
A. When you are sick at the airport.

Q. What does the word 'benign' mean?
A. Benign is what you will be after you be eight

Q. What is a turbine?
A. Something an Arab or Shreik wears on his head


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Re: How about some short jokes??

Post  Guest on Fri Jun 24, 2011 2:02 am

Very Happy


Last edited by Ray on Sat Jul 23, 2011 10:49 pm; edited 1 time in total

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Re: How about some short jokes??

Post  AndrewH on Fri Jul 22, 2011 1:23 am

Two turtles go camping and pack a cooler box with sandwiches and beer. After three days of walking, they arrive at a great spot but realize they've forgotten a bottle opener. The first turtle turns to the second and says, "You've gotta go back and get the opener or else we have no beer.""No way," says the second. "By the time I get back, you will have eaten all the food.""I promise I won't," says the turtle. "Just hurry!"Nine full days pass and there's still no sign of the second turtle. Exasperated and starving, the first turtle digs into the sandwiches. Suddenly, the second turtle pops out from behind a rock and yells, "I knew it! I'm not going!!!!"

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Re: How about some short jokes??

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